In a strong relationship, you often feel compelled to share just about everything with your partner – your fears, goals, interests, and passions. As your relationship develops, your connection deepens, and you become even more intimate. But does your intimacy include the topic of finance?
Being financially intimate means sharing your financial status, goals, and struggles with your partner. Money is a tremendous cause of friction in partnerships and fighting about money is a top predictor of divorce in married couples. Many of us are raised not to talk about money or have shame about some aspect of our financial situation. But hiding information does not strengthen a relationship.
There’s some good news; one survey conducted by MONEY found that, “…couples who trust their partner with finances felt more secure, argued less, and had more fulfilling sex lives.” That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? How open are you with your partner? Here are five signs that you aren’t financially intimate with your partner, in order of increasing intimacy.
You don’t know whether they save or invest. Do you know if your partner has an emergency fund? Are they investing in a 401k or other retirement plan? Saving and investing are necessary to build wealth and create financial stability, so you should know whether your partner is doing so on a regular basis. If you’re in a very serious relationship or married, you should have an understanding of how much is in their accounts.
You don’t know if they have debt. Does your partner have credit card, student loan, auto, real estate, or other debt? How do they feel about this debt; is it under control or is it a source of stress? Are they actively paying it off? How much debt is does your partner owe, in total? Debt is something that many of us take on to achieve other goals, but it can hamper financial freedom if not managed effectively.
You don’t know their credit score. How healthy is your partner’s credit? If it is weak, what steps are they taking to strengthen it? Before you merge finances, move in together, or get married, you should see your partner’s full credit report. Many of us have had credit issues; I’m no stranger to credit card debt myself. However, credit affects a wide range of financial decisions – credit card and loan rates, housing decisions, and even hiring decisions. Sharing credit reports can help you make better joint financial decisions and work together to strengthen them if needed.
You don’t know their salary and compensation. What is your partner’s base salary? What other forms of compensation are they eligible for (bonuses, company stock, profit sharing, etc.)? Women can struggle to address this topic with their partners because of the damaging and outdated “gold digger” stereotype. However, starting and maintaining an open dialogue about compensation ensures you can address joint finances productively.
You don’t know where their accounts are. Where does your partner bank? Where (and how) is their 401k invested? Which credit cards does your partner have? Yes, you should know where your partner banks. You might not have access to the funds in each account, depending on how you’ve set up your joint finances, but knowing where the money is located can be important in an emergency and promotes transparency between partners.
If any of these are knowledge gaps in your relationship, I suggest starting the conversation with your partner as soon as possible. Each couple addresses the topic of finance differently and to open the conversation, you can share this post, schedule a money date, or bring the topic up in the course of regular conversation.
Approach your partner with authenticity and remove all judgment. If you’re nervous about talking about your student loan debt and don’t know if your partner has debt, you could say: “I’m nervous to talk about my student loan debt, but it is very important to our relationship that we can openly discuss money and personal finance. I haven’t shared the details with you, but I have $52,300 of student loan debts to pay off. I’m working hard to get my smallest loan paid off in the next few years. I’m curious - do you have any student loan or credit card debt?”
By sharing your emotions about the topic, giving your partner information about your status, and then asking a neutral, non-judgmental question of your partner, you’re starting the dialogue in a productive manner. Give your partner some slack; they may be nervous, scared, or worried to talk money. On the other hand, your partner may be relieved about the chance to share what they’ve been working on, or a secret personal finance nerd that has a lot of knowledge to share.
Good luck in building even more financial intimacy with your partner. I’m curious about what topics you and your partner have tackled together to build your financial intimacy; let me know!
xoxo, Ms. Financier